After reading a recent article on the horrendous driving habits of the apparently accident-prone Libra, I needed a hug. Or chocolate. Or perhaps someone to say, “Sure, you drive like shizzle, but you’re really likeable so who cares, right?” Instead, I got up, dusted my Libra-self off, and consulted the stars to seek the truth. And to make things fair (because I like fair), I also did some research on the other 11 signs so I could feel good about saying, “See, I’m not the only one who drives like I have a shopping bag on my head.” So there.
March 21-April 20
Most likely to: speed up through an intersection if the traffic light is yellow, look in the rearview mirror, and mutter “suckers” under their breath at those now stuck at the red light. Enthusiastic and assertive, these fireballs are the pioneers of the road who create “new ways” out of traffic jams (this can include shoulder-driving and tearing through grassy medians).
Least likely to: sit still in rush-hour traffic without yelling “Moooooove!” and shaking their steering wheel with a white-knuckle grip at 10 and 2.
Vehicle of choice: all-wheel drive (in case the need arises to go off-road), and anything with let’s-open-this-baby-up-on-the-highway speed.
April 21-May 21
Most likely to: sing in the car with the windows down. These lovers of nature also enjoy indulging in the good things in life, and will persevere through heavy traffic to hit the specialty cheese shop across town for its mimolette.
Least likely to: let their car registration tags expire. Taureans often call bull on paying a late fee. They are practical, careful with their money, and have enough patience to diligently shop around for the least expensive gas prices.
Vehicle of choice: anything with loads of legroom, great lumbar supports, and suspension that allows the vehicle to “ride like a marshmallow.”
May 22-June 21
Most likely to: multitask and chat it up while driving (bad news for Geminis who live in states that ban using cell phones while driving). Geminis make the best road-trip partners as their conversation never dulls, and they are always in a state of wonder no matter how rural Farm Road Where the Eff Are We gets.
Least likely to: sit on their hands while talking. This enthusiastic lot talks with their hands with the energy of a child hopped up on Otter Pops.
Vehicle of choice: zippy compacts
June 22-July 22
Most likely to: fume over the unsafe driver who cut them off, trail him all the way to a stoplight while shaking a fist in the air, and then make mean-eyes at said driver when he glances back in the rearview mirror.
Least likely to: hit a squirrel, pigeon, Canadian goose, cat, deer, you get the idea. Cancerians are the warmest and fuzziest of the zodiac signs, with a knack for nurturing.
Vehicle of choice: the vehicle with the highest safety ratings, a quadruple-seatbelt system, and a Jumbotron-size rearview backup camera.
July 23-August 22
Most likely to: grab the attention of other drivers on the road with a creative vanity plate, their beaming smile, or their courage to boldly lead a caravan of speedsters in the fast lane. These natural leaders love the spotlight, love to play, and love to love. They adore an appreciative audience, even when entertaining a small, sitting-room crowd while waiting to get an oil change.
Least likely to: talk their way out of a traffic ticket. Although Leos are all heart and have a warm and sunny disposition perfect for winning over Officer Oh-No-You-Didn’t, they cannot, will not, MUST NOT admit they are wrong.
Vehicle of choice: Leos feels confident in any ride, but opt for one that garners them the lion’s share of attention.
August 23-September 22
Most likely to: wash their windows every time they get gas and even volunteer to squeegee their pump-mate’s windshield to validate their own self-worth. Well that, and to temper neuroses that arises over spots, specks, and dashes of dirt.
Least likely to: botch a parking job. Virgos are true perfectionists and have the ability to park with all three sides of their vehicles equidistant from each of the bordering white lines. Their attention to detail also shows in their ability to maintain a highly organized trunk. Often nicknamed the “Killers of Clutter.”
Vehicle of choice: A fuel-efficient vehicle that doesn’t break the bank. Duh.
September 23-October 22
Most likely to: wave hello while driving past strangers, neighbors, dogs even, often garnering a “What tha? Who was that?” look on the recipients’ faces. These light-hearted socialites would go so far as to share the road with a rollerblader because “everyone deserves his own equally proportionate slice of asphalt.” These diplomats will bend over backward to skirt disharmony and keep the peace, but balance things out with a sprinkling of occasional road rage.
Least likely to: make a decision on which tires to buy without asking the clerk 15 questions and then still calling their partner (Librans are rarely without a significant other, or sweets for that matter).
Vehicle of choice: Oh wait, you want me to pick?
October 23-November 21
Most likely to: psychically anticipate the lane change of fellow drivers, even before they signal. Because they belong to the most passionate of the zodiac signs, Scorpios also will feel deeply hurt if said lane-changers forget to wave “thank you.”
Least likely to: give up. Even when faced with a hellacious line at the DMV, Scorpios persevere, love an intense challenge, and often refuse defeat. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes (of burned out drivers waiting in line for their number to be called), a Scorpio has the ability to be reborn with a new understanding of life (and how to renew their vehicle registration). But don’t sit next to one because they’ll probe until you give them your whole life story without sharing an ounce of their own.
Vehicle of choice: hot-blooded muscle car
November 22-December 21
Most likely to: reply “You know it!” when asked to road trip on a whim. These free spirits are always up for an adventure and have a burning desire to expand their horizons. At the same time, they have a taste for the extravagant and likely wouldn’t be cool with breaking for a night in any crusty, old, motel.
Least likely to: settle. Sagittarians’ idealism is hard to suppress. Their pie-in-the-sky way of thinking leaves them saying things such as, “If only the DMV had a couple of blackjack tables and a roulette wheel. Then it wouldn’t suck so badly to wait in line.”
Vehicle of choice: sparkling convertible
December 22-January 20
Most likely to: heed the posted speed limit, even when running late to the airport. It’s not like there’s only one flight per lifetime, right? When Capricorns have a goal in mind, they possess unwavering determination and patience to achieve it—even if it takes f—o—r—e—v—e—r. These cautious drivers rarely get speeding tickets, yet take their time paying off parking citations.
Least likely to: let another driver into their lane at the last second. This usually goes something like: “Oh I’m sorry, did you want to cut me off and squeeze into my lane because you didn’t patiently wait in line to merge like everyone else? Fat chance!”
Vehicle of choice: sturdy vehicles they can trust (and nickname).
January 21-February 19
Most likely to: give a few bucks to the gent standing at the street corner with a cardboard sign that reads: OBAMA ISN’T THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS CHANGE. Plus, these humanitarians can detach themselves from a rush-hour jam to see how each driver is really just a part of a larger organism (called traffic) that moves in the same (albeit slow) direction as one unit.
Least likely to: take orders. Sure, this friendly and helpful lot are all about unity. Just don’t infringe on their freedom to do, think, and drive as they please.
Vehicle of choice: anything electric to match their personality. Original and trendsetting, Aquarians drive today what others will be driving tomorrow.
February 20-March 20
Most likely to: daydream while stuck in jeez-this-sucks traffic about some iridescent, far-off wonderland where traffic flows like a bubbling stream and car insurance comes in seven flavors.
Least likely to: fight you for a parking space in the Whole Foods parking lot (and that’s saying a lot. I mean, have you tried peacefully parking at that joint after 5 pm?). In line with their uplifting nature, they might even offer to give you a piggyback ride into the store should they sense you’ve had a long day. That’s because Pisceans are the least selfish and most deeply compassionate fish in the sea.
Vehicle of choice: whatever feels right to them.